Me. Myself. I

2008-12-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

Ok So I have To Vent.
Ventilate.

Tired of these emotions Charging through my brain and other parts.
Am so so Tired.
This empty Adrenaline.

This tiresome Adrenaline.
Much Ado about Nothing.
And if the leaves are leaving in 2 WeEks.
What then?

empty inVestment. A negative investment.
Empty Empty Empty.
Present times should be Happy.
Longing is not good for the Heart.
And the soul will Rot.
I know the ending.
It is all but Clear.
And written out on a blueprint. With dramatic Detail.
Paying close attention to a ScalE.
I do not have the calculations of.
Was never good At Math see?

Transference. I have been to the edge of the precipice.
Emotions transfer and TransForm.
Twist and Turn.
From one to another.
At an alarming speed.
I have fallen. And cracked a Skull.
No matter. I have 9 lives.

It Still hurts though.
A bandaid cant cover up all that mess.
And goo. And emotion.
It is important that i Do not get caught up in This MAsqueraDe.
This crazy Game that We Play.
You can play It.
I would rather sit in a cornEr. And watch. You.
Or not. They change at lightning Speed.
These beliefs and Expectations.
No roots in the Soil. No thorns or Friction.
Just smooth Carefree Sides. Only not so careFree because they cannot grasp onto anything.

Not Cannot No
Never Ever long enough to make it Worth it ALl.
These Roots are Dead.

A writer

2008-12-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

So. We all do The Impulsive.
We all make AssuranceS.
Promises.

Just looked through some writing. Touched me.
And although 2 Days may seem like forever.
It isnt.
Although 2 Nights may seem like we know it all.
We dont.

We want to believe. We long to believe that life is worth living.
And that love is worth having.
Attaining. Fighting For. Fighting At.
And wordS. Words that mean the world. And then they mean nothing.

We evolve. PEople change.
Its critical that we evolve too.
Important that we do not become entrenched in our haBits.

It is our HabiTs that will kill us.
Stick the Knife in DeeP and Twist Twist Twist.
Never stop turning Turning Turning.
Until it can gouge out no more.
Until there is no morE hope. No more belief.
No more eXpectation. No more Desire. No more Desperation.
No more dreams and wishes.

Sometimes this is better. The best way. The Only Way.
The wounD just has to get biG Big B IGGER
until everything falls through.
ALl the angst, anger, annoyance
All the PAin, panic, PressurE
All the Expectation Exceptions, Expirations & Eagerness
TIll they all fall harmlessly through.
Painlessly through.
To exPect and Hope.
Those are some Nasty Habits to Break.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

Its so difficult to live with the people you love.
Because your not afraid to be who you are, sometimes all the worst parts of you come out.

Id rather live with distance in between us.
Ugh...living at home is claustrophobic.
I love them.

But I cannot live with them.
They dont stop whining.
There is no such thing as an 'off' switch in our household.

Then I start to get angry.
And they start to foam at the mouth.
And words start flying.
And voices become raised.
And I just end up hating it. And wishing I was anywhere but.

Here.

I want to scream into a pillow.
Kick, hit, punch, yell, cry.
All the emotional extremities i can think of.
I am not a very restraint person by nature.
But this is getting ridiculous.
Its all the time.

I need my distance!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait

2008-09-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

So this is what it feels like to wait.

I have never been a particularly patient person. So I have decided that this must be a trick the universe is playing on me. Only im not laughing. Im pissed off.
I think its karma.

I had plans. Dates. Events. I had a life to live. And in a place I loved so much too.
But im tethered on the edge of some unknown abyss.
And I dont know how to deal.
Frustration and inertia are two of my least favourite words. But I have no choice but to act them out. In a sick play where no one knows the ending, not even me- its director, actor AND writer.

I feel out of balance. Sometimes. And then I right myself again.
Im not so much empty as...bored.
Not so much sad as...
Not so much impatient as...
Not so much angry as...
Taking it out on someone would be wrong. Disgustingly wrong.
Revolting.

Sigh*

Ive got to wait. And hope. And live. In the now.
All the while hoping that things turn out the way they are supposed to turn out- in my favor.

Wishful Thinking?

2008-04-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

Confusion.

Panic At the Disco.

Lights flashing. Lost within the colors.

A rainbow.
Im learning. How to let go. How to read the story before it is written.

To be Aware. UnaFraid.
To mediatate. To know that there is fear. To recognise the fear. Accept a certain level of fear.

To accept a certain level of pain. Dissapointment and uncertainty.
To accept it all. And to love it.

To know that things can only get better.
Because no one should ever have to settle.
A facade. A shattered mirrror breeds indifference.

A million pieces- there is no point in gluing the pieces back together.

It should be over. Hanging on to remnants. That will soon dissipate. Dissapear. Into nothingness.
A vacuum. Where something once was. Where everything once was. Where hope once was.

It is a good thing. To say goodbye.

FiGht

2008-04-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

Someone who will Fight for ME

Who wants to know more about me that I think I know about myself.

Who adores me and not the idea of me.

No pedestal to fall from.

No halo above my head.

Someone who knows the secrets of the earth.

And who wants to learn them from me too.

Someone who will fight for me.
Someone who will take a stand. Who makes a decision.

An individual who Despises Apathy and all it encompasses.

Someone who remembers. And recalls.

Someone I could never live without.
Someone whom I can learn to live without.

Just someone to.

BURGERS BACON AND CHEESE

2008-04-09T04:36:00.000-07:00

Just stuffed myself with Burgers, bacon and cheese.
Feeling insanely contented.
It truly is the simple things in life that make you smile.

At least I do.

Today I learnt that you can sleep the day away.
And the night too.
With the correct amount of pills.

And sunglasses in the evening is NOT a fashion faux pas!
But a statement. Although what i want to be said still remains unclear.

I learnt the mayonnaise goes with anything. Even socks.
And that the whole egg variety tastes rotten.

I also learnt that sometimes, the hardest thing to do in life is to ignore the one you LovE
And dont give in to that nagging voice. The one that keeps telling you to call. Text. Respond.

Because even the smallest break in resolve, even for a second, will spell the End.

Sometimes the most difficult thing in the world is to IGNORE the one you Love.
IGNORE the throbbing and the pain.
Watch tv. Become a robot. Or go to sleep- in couches, on tables and floors.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
Pretend it is all ok. Resist the urge to ScREAM.
Swallow the URGE to be HEaRD.

Convince yourself that you dont need him.
That you are fine.
Cling to your jar of Real MAyonnaise.
Forget his eyes, his nose and his curly hair.

Amnesia for a day. A night.
It never happened. Who, What and Where?

Honesty is the best policy. So why is it that all i see are LIES?
Red, Black streaks across an ivory plateau.

Obsession. Must be digested.
If pain can only make you stronger, how come my arms and legs and head are falling off?

A Death LAter

2008-04-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Reality isnt all it seems.

And i thought i kneW YOu. But I guess i didnt.

And it Burnt. Seared me.

All Those Untruths and Half Truths.

I Love You in a different Currency- worth less. Worthless.

I knew beTTer. Deep Down i realised something was wrong.
That Uncomfortable Feeling. Never at Ease.

You hid. Were hiding.
Not Anymore.

Now its MY turn.

Sometimes running is better.

Pain NOw. But If I stayed. A Death LAter.

2008-04-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

So....its different this time round.

ALone and yet definitely not.

Love is Definitely CraZy. As is our definition of it. We look for direction.
A begining and and an End. The beginning of the End.

Rarely enjoying the Actual time.
Engaging in paranoia, jumping to conclusions.

We dont care. But cling on tight. Afraid that if we just...Breathe.
It will all disappear.

Only the Fear Remains. Palpitating. Beating. AliVe.

We cant believe this is happening to us. The dream and Nightmare.

GReeN

2008-01-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

We are all addicts. This is the universal truth. We are often fixated with the material, the physical- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, women, men, clothing, perfume, rock climbing or even sleeping. We gravitate towards that which gives us pleasure. Unconditionally. The dependable. That which doesnt have any reason to reject us. Only placate us.

We crave for things that are beyond our reach. Apparently the grass is always greener on the other side. Apparently. And until we can dispel this utopic delusion, we will always live in denial. Lusting after things which give only temporary pleasure. Transitory satisfaction. It doesnt last. And by the time we understand this, I think it will be too late.

Some people live their whole lives craving for approval, love, respect, acceptance. And it seems, always from other people. Always from those on the outside. The truth is that we must first approve of, love, respect and accept ourselves. This is the most difficult thing to accomplish. Because it is a permanent decision. And can never be taken away from us or withdrawn.

And we will never question its validity or honesty or worth.

Limbo.

2007-09-23T04:19:00.000-07:00

The state of a plateau/limbo/flux. Whatever.

Why??

1- It is EVEN and BALANCED and POLITE
2- There are no HIGHs or LOWs
3- It is BORING
4- BOREDOM is good when compared to the LOW of the LOWs.
5- It allows you to CONTEMPLATE and THINK without all the emotional clutter.
6- You learn to appreciate the SILENCE in your head.
7- You lose the need to desire.
8- You become KIND to yourself.
9- Its like Prozac but NATURAL.

But Only.

But only if this were true. It is. For a while. And then all of a sudden it isn't. You can be lying comatose for two hours in the afternoon heat and then all of a sudden wake up to the fact that life is meaningless, boring, dull, bleak, desolate. You wake up to the fact that you have become some what of a philosopher (almost as good as Aristotle), and that you have discovered the truth to Life- loneliness and sadness and happiness are one and the same and that eventually, we will all die. And alone too. But still, this doesn't make up for the fact that Life has a way of getting to you and making you want to fight and scream and roar against its natural flow.
To want to live a life of gross ExTREMITY but then realize that you cannot. To want to kick MODERATION and rationality in their asses and live fully in the HERE AND THE NOW. Completely.

And then you are angry. Angry at the world for being so rigid. Angry at yourself for not being brave enough or strong enough or religious enough or intelligent enough or paranoid enough or drunk enough or thin enough or sneaky enough or beautiful enough or two-faced enough or resilient enough or tall enough or careful enough or tough enough or bimbo enough or big enough or GOOD ENOUGH to simply Do Away WITH IT ALL and LIVE.

Because you know thats what you really want. And your satisfied that it all sounds so simple when you write it down.

tick-toc-tick-toc

2007-09-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

That feels so much better...

I'm terrified, nervous, excited, terrified...............

I feel like one of those cartoon bombs that go tick...tick.....tick....

until BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they explode into a million trillion little pieces.

Friday.............Friday..................

I wonder if they will let DRuNk people on stage..........

November RAIN

2007-09-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

So i realize that it is September...i haven't gone completely senile yet.

Life is a highly intelligent creature. It has a way of forcing you to learn the lessons you need to learn. I've recently recognized and embraced ( albeit grudgingly), the fact that whether or not we choose to deal with our issues in the present or ten years from now, they need to be dealt with. Just because we pretend that something isn't there does not equate to the reality of our choice. Self-imposed blindness does not have any bearing on the realities we face on a daily basis.

Procrastinate, delay and Avoid. By all means. But these things have a way of catching up with you. And they will pursue you until they have you sat in front of them- face to face, palm to palm- and confronting the very source of your pain - the one that threatens to overwhelm and drown you, the one with the potential to destroy.

Eventually, the lessons you need to learn - whether it be self-discipline and control, the need to relinquish control over every minute aspect of your life, to accept that it is not in the job description of those you love to make you happy or maybe, what you need to learn is to simply love yourself - will set you free (...having just re-read this line, i realize that i sound so incredibly condescending).

It is not easy. I think that living and confronting our fears empower us. That is the theory anyhow. It can be heart-wrenching,cruel, soul-crumpling and emotionally crippling. But i need to believe that this is all a temporary process- like fluorescent dye from a six day trial package, which promises to wash away as soon as its time is up.

OBSESSION is a dangerous thing. To FOCUS so utterly, to view life as though through a telescope, a single line of vision. To be plagued by thoughts which you would rather have ripped and torn from your mind. Because then maybe, rest can come.

2007-09-02T03:47:00.001-07:00

Exhaustion = State of mind or physical reaction???
Amnesia**- We all suffer from IT.
The Past = Selective memory OR real experiences?

Remember THAT 'SUMmER'**** - that most amazing time of our lives. The one where everything turned out PERFECT- spectacular company, crazybeautiful experiences, Independence on a platter... ALL was funnier, brighter, more VIVID...it was all accompanied by the appropriate background music too...We all remember that summer.

To have it on REPLAY. replay. Playing over and over and over...until the tape BUrns out. Cries out. Or diES out. Either way. To want it. all over again. No questions asked. Sadistic.

*Reality* - just the way we remember it? Or are we remembering only the good, editing out the unpleasant. People always say : 'With good comes Bad'.

the City***
M.O.S***
Rock****
Star***
LovE** Sleep*
Ecstasy***
Drink***
SouP***
Game*
I Love You**
Bed***
Bed**

State of mind is crunched into the fingers of the one to whom it belongS.

Solitary confinement.
Reckless VoicE.
Shackles.
Existence.

Me.Myself.I

2007-08-28T03:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder about life sometimes. Not sometimes. All the time. Maybe that's the problem. I admire people who are able to simply 'live'. Who go through life without questioning themselves, their situation and the people who surround them. More and more, i find that the only thing i want out of this life is to be someone who is able to accept things at FACE VALUE. Who doesn't feel the unrequited need to look for a hidden meaning behind every encounter and who doesn't insert a barrage of emotions into every conversation.

If i cant have that then what i want is to be able to crawl under the covers and block out the world until i feel that it is safe enough to emerge for air. Maybe i should try and build a bomb shelter. I've never been good with a hammer or nails.

Still, i have to admit - a life without drama would be a dull life indeed. A life without desire would be disillusioning. Desolate. The problem is that whenever one gets what they want, they don't want it anymore. Because the fulfillment and satisfaction of one need seems to bring with it a whole new (and heavy) suitcase of problems, insecurities and anxieties. All debilitating. All destructive.

This is a common problem. A recurring problem. A round and circular problem. A cycle of destruction and pessimism. It traps. And is unrelenting. It decays and rots. And it ruins.

The Self - Acceptance, Belief and Compassion. ABC. Three of life's most critical lessons to learn. Three of the most difficult and impossible. Everyday is a new day. Whether we choose to sink or float. Who knows. In the end, does it even matter.