Limbo.

The state of a plateau/limbo/flux. Whatever.

Why??

1- It is EVEN and BALANCED and POLITE
2- There are no HIGHs or LOWs
3- It is BORING
4- BOREDOM is good when compared to the LOW of the LOWs.
5- It allows you to CONTEMPLATE and THINK without all the emotional clutter.
6- You learn to appreciate the SILENCE in your head.
7- You lose the need to desire.
8- You become KIND to yourself.
9- Its like Prozac but NATURAL.

But Only.

But only if this were true. It is. For a while. And then all of a sudden it isn't. You can be lying comatose for two hours in the afternoon heat and then all of a sudden wake up to the fact that life is meaningless, boring, dull, bleak, desolate. You wake up to the fact that you have become some what of a philosopher (almost as good as Aristotle), and that you have discovered the truth to Life- loneliness and sadness and happiness are one and the same and that eventually, we will all die. And alone too. But still, this doesn't make up for the fact that Life has a way of getting to you and making you want to fight and scream and roar against its natural flow.
To want to live a life of gross ExTREMITY but then realize that you cannot. To want to kick MODERATION and rationality in their asses and live fully in the HERE AND THE NOW. Completely.

And then you are angry. Angry at the world for being so rigid. Angry at yourself for not being brave enough or strong enough or religious enough or intelligent enough or paranoid enough or drunk enough or thin enough or sneaky enough or beautiful enough or two-faced enough or resilient enough or tall enough or careful enough or tough enough or bimbo enough or big enough or GOOD ENOUGH to simply Do Away WITH IT ALL and LIVE.

Because you know thats what you really want. And your satisfied that it all sounds so simple when you write it down.

tick-toc-tick-toc

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

That feels so much better...

I'm terrified, nervous, excited, terrified...............

I feel like one of those cartoon bombs that go tick...tick.....tick....

until BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they explode into a million trillion little pieces.

Friday.............Friday..................

I wonder if they will let DRuNk people on stage..........

November RAIN

So i realize that it is September...i haven't gone completely senile yet.

Life is a highly intelligent creature. It has a way of forcing you to learn the lessons you need to learn. I've recently recognized and embraced ( albeit grudgingly), the fact that whether or not we choose to deal with our issues in the present or ten years from now, they need to be dealt with. Just because we pretend that something isn't there does not equate to the reality of our choice. Self-imposed blindness does not have any bearing on the realities we face on a daily basis.

Procrastinate, delay and Avoid. By all means. But these things have a way of catching up with you. And they will pursue you until they have you sat in front of them- face to face, palm to palm- and confronting the very source of your pain - the one that threatens to overwhelm and drown you, the one with the potential to destroy.

Eventually, the lessons you need to learn - whether it be self-discipline and control, the need to relinquish control over every minute aspect of your life, to accept that it is not in the job description of those you love to make you happy or maybe, what you need to learn is to simply love yourself - will set you free (...having just re-read this line, i realize that i sound so incredibly condescending).

It is not easy. I think that living and confronting our fears empower us. That is the theory anyhow. It can be heart-wrenching,cruel, soul-crumpling and emotionally crippling. But i need to believe that this is all a temporary process- like fluorescent dye from a six day trial package, which promises to wash away as soon as its time is up.

OBSESSION is a dangerous thing. To FOCUS so utterly, to view life as though through a telescope, a single line of vision. To be plagued by thoughts which you would rather have ripped and torn from your mind. Because then maybe, rest can come.

Exhaustion = State of mind or physical reaction???
Amnesia**- We all suffer from IT.
The Past = Selective memory OR real experiences?

Remember THAT 'SUMmER'**** - that most amazing time of our lives. The one where everything turned out PERFECT- spectacular company, crazybeautiful experiences, Independence on a platter... ALL was funnier, brighter, more VIVID...it was all accompanied by the appropriate background music too...We all remember that summer.

To have it on REPLAY. replay. Playing over and over and over...until the tape BUrns out. Cries out. Or diES out. Either way. To want it. all over again. No questions asked. Sadistic.

*Reality* - just the way we remember it? Or are we remembering only the good, editing out the unpleasant. People always say : 'With good comes Bad'.

the City***
M.O.S***
Rock****
Star***
LovE** Sleep*
Ecstasy***
Drink***
SouP***
Game*
I Love You**
Bed***
Bed**

State of mind is crunched into the fingers of the one to whom it belongS.

Solitary confinement.
Reckless VoicE.
Shackles.
Existence.

Me.Myself.I

I wonder about life sometimes. Not sometimes. All the time. Maybe that's the problem. I admire people who are able to simply 'live'. Who go through life without questioning themselves, their situation and the people who surround them. More and more, i find that the only thing i want out of this life is to be someone who is able to accept things at FACE VALUE. Who doesn't feel the unrequited need to look for a hidden meaning behind every encounter and who doesn't insert a barrage of emotions into every conversation.

If i cant have that then what i want is to be able to crawl under the covers and block out the world until i feel that it is safe enough to emerge for air. Maybe i should try and build a bomb shelter. I've never been good with a hammer or nails.

Still, i have to admit - a life without drama would be a dull life indeed. A life without desire would be disillusioning. Desolate. The problem is that whenever one gets what they want, they don't want it anymore. Because the fulfillment and satisfaction of one need seems to bring with it a whole new (and heavy) suitcase of problems, insecurities and anxieties. All debilitating. All destructive.

This is a common problem. A recurring problem. A round and circular problem. A cycle of destruction and pessimism. It traps. And is unrelenting. It decays and rots. And it ruins.

The Self - Acceptance, Belief and Compassion. ABC. Three of life's most critical lessons to learn. Three of the most difficult and impossible. Everyday is a new day. Whether we choose to sink or float. Who knows. In the end, does it even matter.