Ok So I have To Vent.
Ventilate.

Tired of these emotions Charging through my brain and other parts.
Am so so Tired.
This empty Adrenaline.

This tiresome Adrenaline.
Much Ado about Nothing.
And if the leaves are leaving in 2 WeEks.
What then?

empty inVestment. A negative investment.
Empty Empty Empty.
Present times should be Happy.
Longing is not good for the Heart.
And the soul will Rot.
I know the ending.
It is all but Clear.
And written out on a blueprint. With dramatic Detail.
Paying close attention to a ScalE.
I do not have the calculations of.
Was never good At Math see?

Transference. I have been to the edge of the precipice.
Emotions transfer and TransForm.
Twist and Turn.
From one to another.
At an alarming speed.
I have fallen. And cracked a Skull.
No matter. I have 9 lives.

It Still hurts though.
A bandaid cant cover up all that mess.
And goo. And emotion.
It is important that i Do not get caught up in This MAsqueraDe.
This crazy Game that We Play.
You can play It.
I would rather sit in a cornEr. And watch. You.
Or not. They change at lightning Speed.
These beliefs and Expectations.
No roots in the Soil. No thorns or Friction.
Just smooth Carefree Sides. Only not so careFree because they cannot grasp onto anything.

Not Cannot No
Never Ever long enough to make it Worth it ALl.
These Roots are Dead.

A writer

So. We all do The Impulsive.
We all make AssuranceS.
Promises.

Just looked through some writing. Touched me.
And although 2 Days may seem like forever.
It isnt.
Although 2 Nights may seem like we know it all.
We dont.

We want to believe. We long to believe that life is worth living.
And that love is worth having.
Attaining. Fighting For. Fighting At.
And wordS. Words that mean the world. And then they mean nothing.

We evolve. PEople change.
Its critical that we evolve too.
Important that we do not become entrenched in our haBits.

It is our HabiTs that will kill us.
Stick the Knife in DeeP and Twist Twist Twist.
Never stop turning Turning Turning.
Until it can gouge out no more.
Until there is no morE hope. No more belief.
No more eXpectation. No more Desire. No more Desperation.
No more dreams and wishes.

Sometimes this is better. The best way. The Only Way.
The wounD just has to get biG Big B IGGER
until everything falls through.
ALl the angst, anger, annoyance
All the PAin, panic, PressurE
All the Expectation Exceptions, Expirations & Eagerness
TIll they all fall harmlessly through.
Painlessly through.
To exPect and Hope.
Those are some Nasty Habits to Break.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its so difficult to live with the people you love.
Because your not afraid to be who you are, sometimes all the worst parts of you come out.

Id rather live with distance in between us.
Ugh...living at home is claustrophobic.
I love them.

But I cannot live with them.
They dont stop whining.
There is no such thing as an 'off' switch in our household.

Then I start to get angry.
And they start to foam at the mouth.
And words start flying.
And voices become raised.
And I just end up hating it. And wishing I was anywhere but.

Here.

I want to scream into a pillow.
Kick, hit, punch, yell, cry.
All the emotional extremities i can think of.
I am not a very restraint person by nature.
But this is getting ridiculous.
Its all the time.

I need my distance!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait

So this is what it feels like to wait.


I have never been a particularly patient person. So I have decided that this must be a trick the universe is playing on me. Only im not laughing. Im pissed off.
I think its karma.

I had plans. Dates. Events. I had a life to live. And in a place I loved so much too.
But im tethered on the edge of some unknown abyss.
And I dont know how to deal.
Frustration and inertia are two of my least favourite words. But I have no choice but to act them out. In a sick play where no one knows the ending, not even me- its director, actor AND writer.

I feel out of balance. Sometimes. And then I right myself again.
Im not so much empty as...bored.
Not so much sad as...
Not so much impatient as...
Not so much angry as...
Taking it out on someone would be wrong. Disgustingly wrong.
Revolting.

Sigh*

Ive got to wait. And hope. And live. In the now.
All the while hoping that things turn out the way they are supposed to turn out- in my favor.

Wishful Thinking?

Confusion.

Panic At the Disco.

Lights flashing. Lost within the colors.

A rainbow.
Im learning. How to let go. How to read the story before it is written.

To be Aware. UnaFraid.
To mediatate. To know that there is fear. To recognise the fear. Accept a certain level of fear.

To accept a certain level of pain. Dissapointment and uncertainty.
To accept it all. And to love it.

To know that things can only get better.
Because no one should ever have to settle.
A facade. A shattered mirrror breeds indifference.

A million pieces- there is no point in gluing the pieces back together.

It should be over. Hanging on to remnants. That will soon dissipate. Dissapear. Into nothingness.
A vacuum. Where something once was. Where everything once was. Where hope once was.

It is a good thing. To say goodbye.

FiGht

Someone who will Fight for ME

Who wants to know more about me that I think I know about myself.

Who adores me and not the idea of me.

No pedestal to fall from.

No halo above my head.

Someone who knows the secrets of the earth.

And who wants to learn them from me too.

Someone who will fight for me.
Someone who will take a stand. Who makes a decision.

An individual who Despises Apathy and all it encompasses.

Someone who remembers. And recalls.

Someone I could never live without.
Someone whom I can learn to live without.

Just someone to.

BURGERS BACON AND CHEESE

Just stuffed myself with Burgers, bacon and cheese.
Feeling insanely contented.
It truly is the simple things in life that make you smile.

At least I do.

Today I learnt that you can sleep the day away.
And the night too.
With the correct amount of pills.

And sunglasses in the evening is NOT a fashion faux pas!
But a statement. Although what i want to be said still remains unclear.

I learnt the mayonnaise goes with anything. Even socks.
And that the whole egg variety tastes rotten.

I also learnt that sometimes, the hardest thing to do in life is to ignore the one you LovE
And dont give in to that nagging voice. The one that keeps telling you to call. Text. Respond.

Because even the smallest break in resolve, even for a second, will spell the End.

Sometimes the most difficult thing in the world is to IGNORE the one you Love.
IGNORE the throbbing and the pain.
Watch tv. Become a robot. Or go to sleep- in couches, on tables and floors.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
Pretend it is all ok. Resist the urge to ScREAM.
Swallow the URGE to be HEaRD.

Convince yourself that you dont need him.
That you are fine.
Cling to your jar of Real MAyonnaise.
Forget his eyes, his nose and his curly hair.

Amnesia for a day. A night.
It never happened. Who, What and Where?

Honesty is the best policy. So why is it that all i see are LIES?
Red, Black streaks across an ivory plateau.

Obsession. Must be digested.
If pain can only make you stronger, how come my arms and legs and head are falling off?

A Death LAter

Reality isnt all it seems.

And i thought i kneW YOu. But I guess i didnt.

And it Burnt. Seared me.

All Those Untruths and Half Truths.

I Love You in a different Currency- worth less. Worthless.

I knew beTTer. Deep Down i realised something was wrong.
That Uncomfortable Feeling. Never at Ease.

You hid. Were hiding.
Not Anymore.

Now its MY turn.

Sometimes running is better.

Pain NOw. But If I stayed. A Death LAter.

So....its different this time round.

ALone and yet definitely not.

Love is Definitely CraZy. As is our definition of it. We look for direction.
A begining and and an End. The beginning of the End.

Rarely enjoying the Actual time.
Engaging in paranoia, jumping to conclusions.

We dont care. But cling on tight. Afraid that if we just...Breathe.
It will all disappear.

Only the Fear Remains. Palpitating. Beating. AliVe.

We cant believe this is happening to us. The dream and Nightmare.

GReeN

We are all addicts. This is the universal truth. We are often fixated with the material, the physical- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, women, men, clothing, perfume, rock climbing or even sleeping. We gravitate towards that which gives us pleasure. Unconditionally. The dependable. That which doesnt have any reason to reject us. Only placate us.

We crave for things that are beyond our reach. Apparently the grass is always greener on the other side. Apparently. And until we can dispel this utopic delusion, we will always live in denial. Lusting after things which give only temporary pleasure. Transitory satisfaction. It doesnt last. And by the time we understand this, I think it will be too late.

Some people live their whole lives craving for approval, love, respect, acceptance. And it seems, always from other people. Always from those on the outside. The truth is that we must first approve of, love, respect and accept ourselves. This is the most difficult thing to accomplish. Because it is a permanent decision. And can never be taken away from us or withdrawn.

And we will never question its validity or honesty or worth.